Private Bet #13: This is just not your Lucky Day
by Shade
Summary: A path not chosen can lead to a quite different destination. All Ranma Tendo wanted was a normal quiet life...but then the Saotomes showed up. And of course that would turn out to be just the *beginning* of his problems...
1. Chapter 1: Oops...

Private Bet #13: This is just not your Lucky Day  
by Shade  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill already.   
I claim only what's mine and nothing more.  
~~~~~~~~  
Chapter 1: Oops...  
~~~~~~~~  
  
-Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.  
  
Somewhere out there a blonde Galaxy Police   
detective stumbled upon a secret gathering  
not meant for mortal eyes.  
  
"Oh my."  
  
Somewhere in that general vicinity a Bard  
wept as he cried out those four most useless  
words in the human vocabulary.  
  
"It's not my fault!"  
  
Somehow an unintended entry was made.  
No one knew how. With Mihoshi anything   
was possible.  
  
And somewhere not too far away, a certain  
entity of Chaos in the form of a wee little  
elf was laughing his head off.  
  
~~~~~~  
-And so it begins  
  
Soun Tendo looked at the long awaited   
postcard with teary eyes. He read it aloud   
again, still unable to fully believe that the   
dream was finally going to be made real.  
  
'Hi Tendo, Bringing the girls from China. -Genma.'  
  
At long last, the two houses would be joined!  
Time to tell his son the good news!  
  
"Ranma! Ranma!! Where is that boy of mine anyway?"  
  
A check of his son's favorite places  
yielded nothing. He wasn't in the dojo,  
nor in his room, even the furo was empty.  
  
Then he slapped himself mentally, he'd  
forgotten the most obvious place of all.  
  
Soun went to check the kitchen.  
  
But he only found his wife there, cooking what   
promised to be a splendid dinner if the delicious   
smells emanating from the stove were any indication.  
Not for the first time, the middle aged martial arts   
instructer thanked his lucky stars that Nodoka had  
agreed to marry him.   
  
Now all he had to do was find...  
  
"I think Ranma's outside playing with one   
of his friends again."  
  
{How does she do that?}  
  
"Dear, please tell him to come inside before   
he catches a cold from the rain."  
  
It was amazing how well she knew him sometimes.  
Twenty years of marriage and he was still being   
surprised, it was part of the reason why he loved   
her so much.   
  
~~~~~~  
-Not too far away  
  
The clashing of wooden bokkens was quite   
audible, but the residents of Nerima paid no  
attention to the spectacle. They had become   
used to it over time and it wasn't even worth   
betting on anymore, everyone knew who was  
going to win. In fact, people would have   
probably been more worried if there wasn't a   
fight. The clashes had become so routine that  
some of the locals were setting their watches to   
them.  
  
"Die foul Sorcerer!!"  
  
"Every damn day it's the same old thing Kuno!   
You'd think that after ten years you would come   
up with a new speech or something!!"  
  
"Silence fiend! I will free the girls of   
Furinkan High from your vile clutches so   
that they may all date with my glorious self!!"  
  
"You know Tatewaki, you really make me sick   
sometimes. Treating others like they're things   
for your acquisition, what kind of a man are you?"  
  
"Insolent peasant! The great house   
of Kuno has-*gurgle*...."  
  
Perhaps the reader is wondering why the long   
and tedious speech was cut off even before   
it had begun. Well, being knocked out cold   
by a well placed blow to the cranium tends   
to be very effective at inhibiting verbal rants.   
  
Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Debates   
rule number #2. If logic and reason prove ineffective   
in winning an argument, properly applied violence is   
the next best thing.  
  
"Yadda yadda yadda. If you were half   
as good a fighter as you are an idiot   
I *might* have something to worry about.   
But you're not, so I don't."  
  
Ranma gave the unconscious buffoon another smart   
rap to the head with his bokken just on general principle.  
Tatewaki Kuno had to be the most pigheaded hentai   
nutcase in the entire Universe, if there was someone   
actually even worse then he did *not* want to meet them.  
  
Ranma stepped back a little and wiped some of the rain   
off of his face. Although it wasn't coming down any harder   
then a medium drizzle, it was still enough to leave him   
soaked to the skin and freezing. Yet another thing to   
be angry at Bokken Brains for.  
  
He waved at a nearby bush. It was perfectly   
undistingishable from the other bushes except   
for one thing. Most foliage doesn't normally   
have a pair of binoculars sticking out of it.  
  
"Yo, Sasuke!"  
  
A moment later the shrubbery sprouted   
arms and legs and waddled over.   
  
"Poor master Kuno."  
  
The mousy household ninja shook his   
head sadly at the pitiful sight. Then he bowed  
in apology toward Ranma.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry about this master Tendo,  
I didn't think that he'd actually try to fight a duel   
in this weather."  
  
"Don't worry about it. But make sure that you give   
me some advance warning next time one of the   
Kunos comes this way."  
  
"Certainly."  
  
Ranma handed Sasuke a cloth-covered bundle.  
  
"Mom baked some of her cookies for you. You  
were looking a little thin the last time you came over."  
  
Sasuke turned grateful liquid eyes to the heavens,   
after weeks of nothing but rice gruel and water he was  
going to at long last experience the sensation of Nodoka's   
peanut butter chocolate chip cookies once more.  
  
"Oh thank you! Thank you!! Your generosity is so   
overwhelming!! My life is yours to command!!"  
  
"Forget the flattery and just get him out of here."  
  
Sasuke bowed once more before starting to drag  
Tatewaki back to the Kuno estates.   
  
"Achoo! *Sniff* Man, I'll be glad when   
I get into the furo."  
  
Ranma Tendo, age seventeen and three quarters,   
started to walk back to his family's home.  
  
~~~~~~  
-Meanwhile, approaching Ground Zero...  
  
It was the oddest bunch of strangeness that the people   
here had seen in quite some time. Considering that they   
lived in Nerima, that was saying something.   
  
But it wasn't every day a frantic Panda being chased   
by a angry gorilla and what looked like some foreign   
girl all bundled up so that only her eyes and the underside   
of her nose were exposed. Especially when the gorilla   
was packing a giant mallet which it was trying to   
implant into the panda's skull without the use of an   
anaesthetic.   
  
"Oogh! Oough!!"  
  
It was like watching a live action   
of that old video game, Donkey Kong.  
Except instead of a overweight plumber   
under attack, it was an overweight panda.  
  
"I don't know these people. I don't know these   
people. I don't know these people....."  
  
The young woman kept chanting it like a mantra   
over and over to herself. Not that she didn't also   
harbor some private and rather violent ideas  
concerning the Bamboo Bozo, but not out in public   
like this. This was so embarrassing, why couldn't   
her little sister ever learn the meaning of the term   
"discretion"?  
  
Genma ran.  
  
He ran very fast.  
  
If he was really, really lucky he just might make   
it to the Tendo Dojo before his youngest  
daughter turned him into a panda-skin rug.  
  
Run Genma, Run.  
  
~~~~~~  
-An alley by any other name...  
  
'MEOW!'  
'HISS!!'  
  
*KABONG*  
  
'YIPE! YIPE!!'  
  
"Scat cats!"  
  
Ranma waved his bokken threateningly at   
the retreating felines. Those mangy little   
alley scavengers were always picking on   
the weak and the helpless. He hated bullies  
of any species.  
  
"Hello. What's this?"  
  
He could make out a small fuzzy white form   
partially underneath some old cardboard   
boxes some shopkeeper had been too lazy to   
dispose of properly. As Ranma reached for it,   
the animal started to back up into a corner.  
  
"Come on, I won't hurt you."  
  
Gradually he coaxed the shivering creature   
out into the open and finally got a good look at it.  
"It" turned out to be a dwarf usagi, with long floppy ears   
and a cotton puff tail. Big brown eyes looked back   
at him with a woebegone expression in those soulful   
depths.  
  
"You're a cute little thing, aren't you? Hey, you're hurt!"  
  
Half-dried streaks of blood were crusting around three   
nasty looking scratches on right hind leg. In addition,   
it kept shivering uncontrollably. It wasn't just because   
it was trying to stay warm, Ranma realized. It kept   
shooting terrified glances in the direction that   
the felines had fled, then turned a long beseeching   
look toward him. The poor thing was still scared   
of those cats!   
  
Now what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just   
leave it here, those felines would finish it off easily.   
But his parents had a little problem with animals,   
the only ones allowed were the carp in the little   
pond in the backyard.  
  
"I really can't take you in, I mean Mom and Dad don't   
allow pets, if they find you I'll be in big trouble. Come on,   
don't look like that, I'd really like to have a cute pet like   
you but....."  
  
It just kept staring at Ranma,  
causing him to fumble his saving   
throw against cute fuzzy attacks.  
  
"Aw, who am I kidding? Come on."  
  
Almost as if it understood him, the bunny hopped   
into his outstretched arms.  
  
Cradling the soggy little critter with one arm, he used   
his free hand to unbutton the top of his chinese shirt  
just enough to slip the waif inside so that only its furry  
little head poked out next to his neck. Ranma could feel  
its little heart start racing, even though his body heat   
should have had the opposite effect. That was a bit odd,  
and he subconsciously logged that event down and filed   
it away for future contemplation.  
  
"You're going to need a name if I'm going to keep you."  
  
When he looked down he saw that the rabbit   
wasn't paying attention to what he was saying,   
it was too busy snuggling closer in an attempt to   
maximize the amount of warmth it was receiving.  
  
"Since you're an usagi and a kinda tiny one at   
that.....how about U-chan?"  
  
U-chan sneezed.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes."  
  
~~~~~~  
-Now where were we?  
  
Coming down the home stretch was  
the fat panda in first, the evil tempered  
gorilla a close second and the mysterious   
female in a comfortable third place far   
enough so that people wouldn't think she   
was with the sideshow act.  
  
Genma *almost* made it.  
  
A hundred yen piece lying on the street was   
his undoing. Happosai had trained him too well.  
He just couldn't resist slowing down long enough   
to snatch it up. It only slowed him down a tad,   
but that was enough.  
  
The ape seemed to be grinning as it brought the   
hammer of justice down.  
  
*CLONG*  
  
~~~~~~~  
-Are we there yet?  
  
A puzzled Ranma looked around.  
  
"That's funny, I could have sworn I heard  
someone ringing a gong. Oh well, must   
have just been my imagination."  
  
He continued walking toward the Tendo residence.  
There was his father waving at him from the gate.  
Fortunately he was still too far away for his little   
passenger to be seen.  
  
"Ranma!"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Your mother wants you to come inside and I also   
have something very important to tell you. Hurry up  
and get in the house."  
  
"I'll be there in a minute."  
  
He wondered what had his father in   
such an excited state this time.  
  
{It better not be another one of those stupid   
"get rich quick" deals. I swear, if he's sold me   
or the dojo again he's going on a one way trip  
to Low Earth Orbit.}  
  
A knowing grin slowly broke his brooding expression.  
  
{That is, if Mom doesn't get her hands on him first.  
It's like she's got a sixth sense or something for   
detecting when Dad's done something really stupid.}  
  
Ranma walked quickly toward the house and stepped inside,  
glad to be out of the rotten weather outside.   
  
Another involuntary sneeze blasted forth.  
  
*Achhoo!*  
  
As if summoned by the sound Nodoka Tendo's  
voice came from the vicinity of the kitchen.  
  
"Change out of those wet clothes and   
meet us in the living room Ranma. Your   
father has an important announcement."  
  
"Yes, mom."  
  
{How does she do that?}  
  
Ranma knew better then to go against   
her orders. His mother could always   
tell when it came to that sort of thing.  
It was one of those mysteries that would  
forever baffle males.  
  
"Looks like getting you settled in is   
going to have to wait a bit, U-chan."  
  
He marched up the stairs to a door   
with a horse sign hanging on it. The sign read  
"Ranma's Room: Challengers go to the Dojo, Girls  
please knock before entering"  
  
After putting the little dwarf rabbit   
safely out of the way on a chair the   
young man started to undress.   
  
U-chan's face started to turn bright pink as   
its floppy ears reflexively came down over its   
eyes. A moment later one ear moved slightly   
to the side, allowing it to peek.  
  
Not noticing this unusual behavior,   
Ranma finished stripping off his   
wet clothes and started to dry himself   
with a spare towel. He promised his   
complaining body a nice long soak in the   
furo after the family meeting.  
  
A drop of red dripped from U-chan's nose.  
  
Quickly donning a chinese style oufit almost identical to  
the one he'd been wearing earlier the Tendo lad started to   
pick up and put away the wet clothes. A thought suddenly   
hit him and he turned toward his new pet.  
  
"I'll try and sneak up some carrots or   
lettuce when I get back if I can. You   
must be hungry after all that excitement."  
  
At the mention of the possibility of food   
the rabbit's eyes widened pleadingly.   
An embarrassing gurgle sounded from  
the vicinity of its belly.  
  
"Okay, okay. I'll make sure to bring you  
back something to eat."  
  
{That's a pretty smart bunny. Must be my lucky day.}  
  
"Ranma!"  
  
"Whoops, sounds like I'm wanted downstairs.  
See you soon, U-chan."  
  
Ranma dashed out, slamming   
the door shut behind him.   
  
U-chan stared at the door, then it heaved   
the rabbit equivalent of a sigh.  
  
{Oh dear. Now what am I supposed to do?}  
  
~~~~~~  
-In the street  
  
"Ooga. Ooga Oogh."  
  
"No, I don't think it would be a good idea for   
you to go in first. The Tendos might misunderstand  
and we've already had more then enough trouble   
on this stupid training trip as it is."  
  
The last was emphasized by several viscious   
kicks aimed at the ribs of the unconscious Panda.   
  
"Stupid old man."  
  
The gorilla nodded. At least they could   
agree on *that*.   
  
"We need to find someplace to stay.   
Then we can start looking for our sister."  
  
"Ooga Oough?"  
  
"Yes, I won't forget the hot water either."  
  
The panda started to stir.  
  
*WHAM*  
  
Genma collapsed once again as the young woman  
put away her oversized mace back into the recesses  
of her cloak.   
  
"Might as well get this over with.  
The sooner we can change back   
the better."  
  
With that the figure started walking to the gate.  
  
The gorilla quickly hefted the   
unconscious panda over its shoulder   
and followed.  
  
~~~~~~  
-Tendo House  
  
"YOU DID WHAT?!"  
  
Surely he couldn't have heard his father   
correctly?! It had to be some kind of mistake!   
This couldn't be happening to him!! Not again!!!  
  
"...Genma's a very good friend and it  
seems that he and his daughters recently  
undertook a training trip to China."  
  
Ranma slammed his hands down   
onto the table before standing up.  
  
"FIANCEE?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR   
MIND?! Didn't you learn anything   
from that fiasco with the Chardins?!  
It was a damn lucky thing that they  
didn't even have a daughter!"  
  
"Ranma! Control yourself!!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Mom. But how   
can he keep doing this me?!"  
  
"That's no excuse for yelling   
at your father. Even if he's done   
something incredibly stupid."   
  
"Thank you dear. I think."  
  
The look should have warned him   
that Nodoka wasn't finished just yet.  
  
"After all, that's *my* job."  
  
*Gulp*  
  
Soun started sweating like crazy as   
his wife pinned him mercilessly   
under the steady glare of Doom.   
  
It made Ranma feel much better.  
Even if she did have some pretty weird   
ideas about turning him into a "man among men"  
(whatever that meant) he could still count  
on her being against every stupid idea his   
father had. Everyone knew who *really* wore  
the pants in the Tendo household.   
  
Sensing from long experience that his parents  
needed some time alone the young martial artist   
started to quietly tiptoe away from the tension  
building in the room.  
  
"I think I'll just go take a bath."  
  
"That's an excellent idea! That way   
the Saotomes can see you at your best!"  
  
"A-na-ta. I-need-to-talk-to-you."  
  
Ranma couldn't get out of the room   
fast enough after hearing that.   
  
{Oh shit. Mom's using the *Voice*.  
She only does that when she's *really*  
angry. Dad's a goner for sure now!}  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
-Have you any last words?  
  
Soun Tendo was not a particularly religious man.  
  
After training under the Master one simply  
couldn't believe in much of anything anymore.   
But now Soun found himself mentally invoking every   
half-remembered childhood prayer and invocation  
he knew as he beheld the awesome spectacle of a  
Valkyrie come down from Vahalla to claim his soul.   
  
Well, actually it was just Nodoka with the   
beginnings of what would probably be one fine  
specimen of a battle aura once it was complete.  
But it had practically the same effect on him.  
  
"I thought we agreed last time that   
our son wouldn't be forced into any   
arrangement against his will?"  
  
"But Dearest!"  
  
"But what, A-na-ta?"  
  
Soun couldn't prevent a cold shiver  
from running down his spine, he knew  
he was treading on thin ice now.  
  
"It was for the sake of the School!"  
  
"The same school that you refuse to   
teach to the dojo's students?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"The same school that you said brought   
only pain and misery to you and Genma   
during your training?"  
  
"Um, you see...it's...."  
  
"The same school that *lost* to my   
family's "Flying Heaven's Honorable Sword Flow" style?"  
  
"Urk..."  
  
"Well? Aren't you going to say something, A-na-ta?"  
  
The great martial arts master whimpered.   
There was no escape. He was doomed.   
It was the 11th hour and the governor wasn't calling.  
  
*Knock**Knock*  
  
"Hello? Is anyone home?"  
  
Salvation. A stay of execution had been granted.  
Soun seized the chance like a drowning man who'd  
just been tossed a life preserver.  
  
"Come in! Come in!"  
  
The figure who walked into the room was undoubtedly   
female, her prominent attributes were impossible   
to hide despite what looked like several attempts   
to do just that. Anything else was unable to be  
made out as the woman was wrapped from head to   
toe in a colorful assortment of rags and cloth   
bandages.   
  
"Ano...who are you?"  
  
Nodoka was betting that this   
was somehow Soun's fault again.  
All the weirdness that entered  
their lives could always be   
traced back to him eventually.  
  
{This is the only way. They'd find   
out sooner or later. Better get it   
over with now and hopefully keep the  
shocks to a minimum. I just hope they  
don't try to burn me at the stake like  
all those idiots back in China.}  
  
Hesitating for only a moment, the figure   
started to slowly unwrap the strips of   
cloth hiding her face from view.  
  
When she was finally done all the  
Tendos could do was gape in astonishment.  
  
After all, its not every day that  
a Drow elf walks into your house.  
  
And a very beautiful one to boot.  
  
"I'm Nabiki Saotome. Sorry about this."  
  
~~~~~~~  
-Welcome to Wacky Land  
  
*Achoo!*  
  
In the bath proper Ranma Tendo  
felt a chill as he had a sudden   
premonition that his semi-ordinary  
life would never be the same again.  
  
He was right.  
  
-To be continued...  
  



	2. Fool Me Once...

-We Are The Weird   
  
"You..you're..?"  
  
Nodoka was taking the shock remarkably   
well, all things considered. Her hairdo  
was only slightly frazzled and the twitching   
of her eyes was barely noticable.  
  
Soun had promptly fainted.   
  
"Nabiki Saotome. And yes, the ears *are* real."  
  
Something heavy could be heard crashing around outside.  
That clamor was soon joined by the sound of various   
objects being broken, smashed, shattered, and otherwise  
having their physical structures rearranged without   
their consent.  
  
The Dark Elf swore under her breath.   
  
"Damn. They're at it again."  
  
So much for a good first impression.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Yes, We're Crazy And Darn Proud Of It!!!"   
Fanfic Productions presents:  
  
Private Bet #13: This Is Just Not Your Lucky Day  
by Shade  
  
Disclaimer: "Disclaimachu, I choose you!"   
"Copyright attack!!" "Takahashi Beam!!"  
"Pioneer Knuckle!!" "ADV Bomber!!"   
"EVERYTHING-ELSE-SHOCK!!"  
  
KABLOOIE!!!  
  
"Looks like Team Crossover is blasting off again!"  
  
~~~~~~~  
-This Is Your Life  
  
He shivered again. Why did he feel like the   
jaws of inescapable doom were closing in on him?  
  
Admittedly, there were already problems like the Kunos,   
the school's Horde-o-Morons, the occasional Dojo Destroyer,   
and the fact that his parents were a couple of complete perverts.  
  
But he had successfully resisted and triumphed   
over (or at least brought to a stalemate) all of   
those threats to his peace of mind so far.  
  
This was a whole *new* dimension of headaches.  
  
"Fiancees! Why did it have to be fiancees?! The old man   
just *had* to pull this rabbit out of his hat. Is a little   
peace and quiet for once really too much to ask for?!"  
  
Ranma sighed in frustration. All that he had ever wanted was   
a normal life. But instead what he got was chaos, weirdness,  
and a bunch of kooky eccentric relatives that threatened to   
drive him completely crazy.   
  
And then there was this "manliness" shtick his mother insisted on.  
  
"What's the big deal with kissing and stuff anyway? Mom  
keeps encouraging me to do that kind of thing, but it   
just seems so strange and *messy*. It doesn't help any   
that Mom and Dad make out like crazed weasels all the   
time either. *Shudder* Parents aren't supposed to do  
that kind of stuff in front of their kids! And they  
*wonder* why I don't bring my friends over more often."  
  
As he sank deeper into the bath and tried to forget   
his worries for a few precious moments Ranma had   
one comforting thought. It would turn out to be the   
last one he'd have for a *very* long time.  
  
{Well, at least things can't get any worse.}  
  
~~~~~~~  
-Wanna Bet?  
  
Outside, as if the Universe had decided to answer   
that blatant challenge, two battling figures   
appeared in front of the stunned Nodoka and   
the groaning Nabiki.  
  
"I can't believe I'm related to them.   
The doctors *must* have made a mistake,   
my real family can't be anything like this!"  
  
There are stranger sights then a angry gorilla   
fighting with an equally miffed Panda using   
"literally anything they can get their hands on"   
as instruments of pain and suffering.   
  
But not many.   
  
Even in Japan, the country voted   
"Most likely to spontaneously combust due to   
Random Monster Attacks", this was considered   
more then just simply "out of the ordinary".  
  
It was also embarrassing the hell out of Nabiki.   
  
She clenched one hand into a fist   
as a vein on her forehead threatened   
to explode in frustration.  
  
"That's enough you two! MONO VOLT!!"  
  
**ZZZZAAAPP**  
  
One well roasted Panda with a side order   
of crispy charred Primate was served.  
  
"Ahhh. I feel better now."  
  
She blew a tiny wisp of smoke off   
of her index finger.  
  
"Soun..."  
  
Nodoka managed a small strained smile,  
only the small twitching of her left eye   
disturbed an otherwise serene picture of  
recovered composure.  
  
"Yes, dear?"  
  
He looked up at her hopefully.  
Did this mean he was off the hook?  
  
"You're sleeping on the couch tonight."  
  
A 100 ton anvil of misery dropped down  
on his head, leaving the ultimate  
expression of suffering in its wake.  
  
"WAAAAAAA!!"  
  
While she waited for their other guests to recover  
Nodoka decided to question the girl (elf?) as she   
seemed to be the only one who knew what was going  
on at the moment.  
  
"Now I hope there's a good explanation for all of this."  
  
The drow put on her best poker face.   
  
"That would depend."  
  
Nodoka wasn't buying it. She never played poker anyway.  
  
"Out with it, young lady."  
  
Nabiki tried to resist, struggling heroically for   
several minutes before she finally withered beneath   
the "Confess! Confess! You're Guilty!!" Stare,   
a legendary special technique from the Underhanded   
Fighting Below the Belt School of Household Ruling.  
  
"Well...for starters, ever hear of a place called Jusenkyo?"  
  
As the terribly tragic story of the   
Saotome family was related to the   
Tendos they failed to notice that   
the one of the unconscious figures   
was beginning to move...  
  
~~~~~~  
-Curiouser and Curiouser  
  
Upstairs a small creature tentatively   
explored its new surroundings. The room   
was rather spartan in appearence, save for  
a scattered assortment of various electronic  
gadgets and gizmos, a wall mount housing a  
small but respectable collection of old weapons,  
and a few shelves crammed to overflowing with   
an impressive assortment of books.  
  
Unable to see the titles from her current position  
on the bed, U-chan decided to ignore them for the   
moment in favor of other exploration.  
  
A short hop took the rabbit from the chair to   
the floor. However to her dismay she found the   
door securely closed and both windows latched   
and locked. Oddly enough both seemed as if they   
had been designed heavily towards keeping unwanted   
people from entering. The door was reinforced by  
a thick metal-blue titanium steel frame on this side  
and had no less then three different locks, while   
the window stills came complete with a sliding armored  
grill that looked solid enough to stop a tactical nuke.  
  
{It appears I'm going to be stuck here for awhile.}  
  
For some reason that thought wasn't   
nearly as depressing as it should   
have been.  
  
~~~~~~  
-Deja Vu x2  
  
Floating in a state of blissful relaxation,  
the young Tendo was unaware that his brief   
respite from the world at large was about   
to come to a horrible, terrifying end.  
  
Having already hung up the "Occupied" sign  
on the door outside Ranma was secure in the   
knowledge that nobody would disturb him.  
  
Both parents respected his right to privacy  
here, a fact he was *extremely* thankful for  
since they sure as heck didn't anyplace else!  
  
{I guess I've soaked long enough.  
Guess it's time to go and get ready.}  
  
Reluctantly he started to step   
out of the soothing hot water and  
reached for one of the hanging towels.  
  
*Slide*  
  
Surprised by this sudden invasion,   
Ranma turned towards the door ready   
to berate whoever had intruded into  
his sanctuary.  
  
"Oogh?"  
  
It turned out to be a big hulking MALE gorilla.  
  
The poor Tendo did what was natural upon being  
confronted by a large hairy primate in the nude.  
  
"AUUUUGGHHH!! It's a monster!!"  
  
He screamed bloody murder.  
  
"OOooggAAA!!!"  
  
The gorilla screamed back at him.  
It seemed to be just as surprised   
as he was.   
  
Then it got angry.   
  
*Real* angry.  
  
*WHAM**WHAM**WHAM*  
  
"Oro..."  
  
*thump*  
  
Down Ranma went.  
  
He never knew what hit him.  
  
Not that he'd have believed it anyway,  
since when did gorillas go around   
carrying big-ass wooden mallets that  
had kanji on the head reading  
"If you can see this, you're screwed"?  
  
~~~~~~~  
-Sledgehammer On A Detonater  
  
A scream in the Tendo house  
could mean only one thing.  
  
"Ranma!!"  
  
"Son!!"  
  
Nodoka and Soun reacted exactly   
like the (*cough*, *cough*) slightly   
unusual parents that they were.   
  
They dashed up the stairs.  
  
Meanwhile Nabiki noticed that her   
family was now short one unconscious   
body.  
  
"Uh oh..."  
  
She sprinted after the   
Tendos with all due haste.  
  
{This is NOT good.}  
  
~~~~~  
-Prepare to...  
  
"Auuoogaa! Ooo! Ooo!"  
  
The steaming primate prepared   
to deliver the finishing blow.  
  
*Crash*  
  
The door to the bathroom gave way   
to the power of maternal instinct   
as Nodoka reached the scene.  
  
"My son!!"  
  
A deadly blue glow sprang up   
around the unoffical ruler   
of the Tendo house.  
  
Soun stopped in his tracks   
the moment he saw his wife's  
battle aura kick in and   
immediately started looking  
for cover.  
  
Somebody was in *BIG* trouble.  
  
"Oog?"  
  
Deer.   
  
Headlights.   
  
M1 Tank.  
  
*MEGA-CRUSH*  
  
"Aoou-*SPLATTER*"  
  
Instant gorilla pancake.  
  
Nodoka reluctantly put away her 100-ton iron mallet.   
Her husband tended to cringe in abject fear whenever   
she brought it out. While that was nice when she   
wanted him to do the dishes, it was embarrassing when   
they had company present. But NOBODY hurt her manly son   
and got away with it!  
  
"There, there. Mommy's here."  
  
If Ranma had been conscious he would   
have cringed at being fussed over like  
a little baby.  
  
"Watch out for...oh. Never mind.   
Looks like you already found her."  
  
Nabiki took it all in at a glance.  
She looked thoughtful for a moment,   
but then just shrugged her slender   
shoulders.  
  
"Well, she did have that one coming."  
  
~~~~  
-The More Things Change  
  
Ranma awoke to find that he'd been  
placed on a futon in the living room.  
A cold compress had been placed on his   
head to keep the swelling down.   
  
"Oww, what happened?"  
  
He frowned, confused for a moment before   
finally remembering the tramatic incident.  
  
"Gorilla!!"  
  
His head shot up.  
  
"Oro!!"  
  
And promptly fell back down.  
  
A tentative exploration of his  
face revealed that the area around  
his left eye was swollen and painful  
to the touch. There were other bumps  
scattered around his head but that   
one seemed to be the worst. The martial   
artist dreaded to think what he was   
going to look like come tomorrow morning.  
  
{Oh great, My ribs finally healed from   
Mom's last training session and now  
this.}  
  
An unfamilar voice broke Ranma's train of thought.  
  
"So you're finally awake."  
  
He made the mistake of turning his head  
before being reminded that his cranium wasn't   
up to any sudden moments.  
  
"Atcha..."   
  
{That...was very painful.}  
  
He stared up into the face of a strange girl  
that looked around his age. Chestnut brown   
hair cut unevenly short except for a single   
braided ponytail that stretched down past   
her shoulders, big brown eyes that seemed  
to hint at mischief, crowning a face that   
was so composed that Ranma could not make  
out her current feelings one way or another.  
But what caught his eye was a crooked bump   
on her nose, it had been broken and reset  
some time ago but apparently hadn't healed   
completely straight.  
  
Nobody would call her a raving beauty,   
but there was a vitality to her features   
that caught and held a person's attention.   
An intangible presence she possessed  
which seemed to make her stand out no   
matter where she might be.  
  
{She's pretty good, I didn't even begin   
to sense her presence until she actually  
spoke.}  
  
The girl waved down at him.  
  
"Hi there."  
  
He blinked and waved back with   
a puzzled expression on his face.  
  
"Uh...hi. Who are you?"  
  
Her guarded expression broke   
into a self assured smile.  
  
"I'm Nabiki Saotome."  
  
{Saotome?}  
  
That sounded familar. But   
he couldn't recall where he'd  
heard that family name before.  
  
She gave him a sympathic look.  
  
"As for your injuries, I'm afraid that would  
be the fault of my violent little sister."  
  
"Your sister? You mean she   
owns that ugly monster?"  
  
Nabiki found herself fighting back  
the laughter that threatened to burst  
out after hearing that.  
  
"*Snort* *Snicker* Not exactly."  
  
An excited shout came from behind Nabiki.  
  
"Son! You're awake!"  
  
This time Ranma remembered   
to turn his head *slowly*.  
  
"Father."  
  
*GLOMP*  
  
"Waaahh! I was so worried!!"  
  
Ranma suffered through the Tendo  
"Hugging and Crying like a Baby"  
ritual as long as he could stand  
before finally trying to pry his  
overemotional parent's arms off   
of himself.  
  
"Please stop that. It's embarrassing.  
I'm not a little kid anymore, Dad."  
  
Nodoka appeared like magic from the  
kitchen, bearing with her a covered  
tray from which came a familar odor.  
  
Ranma's nose twitched.  
  
His stomach growled as it  
identified the heavenly   
aroma of egg sake hot off   
the stove.  
  
Nodoka placed the tray down  
beside him and took a moment  
to observe his condition. Her eyes   
narrowed dangerously when they  
spotted his blackening eye,  
but the look vanished so quickly  
that it might have been nothing more   
then a trick of the light.  
  
"I thought you might be hungry   
when you woke up."  
  
Ranma nodded slowly as his mouth   
watered in anticipation.   
  
"Hurry up and finish it before it gets cold."  
  
*Snarf**Gobble**Gulp*  
  
4.7 seconds later the bowl was empty.  
  
Nabiki blinked in surprise. She thought   
only *her* family was capable of that  
kind of speed eating.  
  
Nodoka nodded in approval   
of her son's manly appetite.  
  
"Now then, some explanations are in order..."  
  
~~~~~~  
-Not a Sleeping Beauty  
  
Akane Saotome groaned as she regained consciousness.  
  
"Ohhh, my aching head..."  
  
A part of her mind idly noted that   
sometime during her brief nap she'd   
been changed back to her human form.  
  
Several voices could be heard nearby.  
  
"So let me get this straight,   
that gorilla trying to kill me   
was actually your younger sister?"  
  
"That's correct."  
  
"And she changes to a girl when splashed with   
hot water and back to a gorilla with cold water?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And the rest of your family   
has this 'Jusenkyo' curse too?"  
  
"I'm afraid so."  
  
{Nabiki?}  
  
Upon opening her eyes so that just   
a crack of light got through, the  
youngest Saotome could see the back  
of her older sister's head.  
  
"I see. Well in that case..."  
  
(Who is she talking to?}  
  
"...It's not that big a deal. I'm not too thrilled   
about getting whacked in the bath but it's just a  
black eye, it'll heal. You are our guests after all."  
  
Akane could have sworn she heard her sister's jaw drop.  
  
"You-you're not going to make a fuss about all this?"  
  
"This is Nerima. Compared to the usual weirdness   
going on around here a couple of magical curses   
isn't exactly too much to accept. You and your family  
will might actually be a bit more normal then most  
of the residents here."  
  
"..."  
  
And that was when the Genma formly   
known as Mr. Panda decided to wake up.  
  
~~~~~~~  
-Somebody's In Trouble  
  
"Can you fix any of this?"  
  
Rowan looked up from the snowballing effects   
of the currently highly unstable dimension and   
gave the Bard a weary look.  
  
"Do I look like a quantum flux mechanic?"  
  
The Half-elf winced and dropped back onto his seat.  
He watched as an apologetic Mihoshi tried to explain   
to Shadow and the Guardian how she'd gotten from Washu's   
lab with all of its shiny buttons and interesting gizmos   
to what was *supposed* have been a totally secure and  
undetectable sub-plane of existance.  
  
Both of them looked like they were developing headaches   
trying to follow the detective's exhaustive attention to   
even the most minute details.  
  
And then the Bard made a mistake.  
  
"Well, at least things can't..."  
  
Rowan's eyes widened.  
  
"NO! Wait! Don't say it!! It's bad-"  
  
His words were to no avail.  
  
"...get any worse."  
  
*THOOM**CRASH**BOOM*  
  
"-luck."  
  
It didn't take a genius to   
sense disaster in the making.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
-Panda Must Die! (Or At Least Get Beaten Up)  
  
Nodoka Tendo was normally a calm and reasonable woman.  
  
"SA-O-TO-ME."  
  
But there were certain things that triggered a   
legendary temper that was greatly feared by all   
the residents of Nerima.   
  
Harming her son was at the top of that list.  
  
But bad parenting ranked a close second.  
  
"I can explain..."  
  
Genma tried to inch back as Nodoka's sheathed sword  
pressed uncomfortably against his bobbing adam's apple.  
But his efforts were in vain as she maintained a   
steady threatening pressure against his throat.   
He silently prayed that Nodoka still maintained  
her family's traditional "No killing in the house" policy.  
  
Nabiki blinked as she tried to figure out where   
the heck the Tendo matriarch had pulled her sword   
from. And why did her father look so terrified?  
  
Mrs. Tendo hadn't even drawn the blade out yet.  
She didn't *look* that dangerous. Did the old   
man know something that Nabiki didn't?   
  
Soun winced in sympathy for his old friend's predicament.  
But he was already in the doghouse (figurately speaking)  
as far as his wife was concerned. Saotome was on his own  
this time. With any luck No-chan would settle for merely   
beating Genma black and blue and they wouldn't have worry   
about getting blood out of the carpet...again.  
  
Ranma wished once again that his family was just   
a little more normal. But from what he'd heard so   
far, this Genma character might actually *deserve*   
the treatment his mother was giving him.  
  
"Well? I'm waiting."  
  
Genma managed to squeak out his standard excuse.  
  
"It was for the good of the schools!"  
  
Wrong answer.  
  
"Aaaaaaggghh!!"  
  
Genma go up.  
  
*Sploosh*  
  
Panda fall down.  
  
"Growf!"  
  
To his credit, the overweight animal hit   
the pond running and didn't stop. In fact  
he actually managed to pick up a decent  
head of steam once he dashed out into the   
streets.  
  
Not that it was going to do him much good   
in the end, but at least he was trying.  
  
"Dinner will be a little late tonight, Ranma.   
Why don't you get better acquainted with Nabiki   
in the meantime?"  
  
Nodoka started to stretch in preparation.  
It was only fair to give her target a decent  
head start.  
  
"Oh...uh, sure."  
  
He turned toward their guest.  
  
"Would you like to see the Dojo?"  
  
Nabiki had a certain gleam in her eyes.  
  
"Of course. Lead the way."  
  
Ranma's mother shook her head in dismay  
as her son missed the not-too-subtle   
undertones in the young woman's voice.   
  
{He *still* hasn't learned to recognize the   
signs that a girl is interested in him.   
Whatever is a poor mother to do? I've tried  
almost everything I can think of to get him   
to be 'manly' with at least one of them,   
but he still doesn't seem to get it yet.}  
  
But her maternal concerns about her son's   
love life (or lack of one) would have to   
wait for the moment. There was a more   
important task at hand.  
  
"The vengence of the heavens is swift and sure, Genma! PREPARE TO BE PUNISHED!!"  
  
And the chase was on!  
  
-To be continued  



End file.
